As I sit at my computer this morning and cry, I ask God to write something beautiful. Something that will spiritually feed me and others. I ask God to write it because I often get to points in my faith where I simply don’t have any words. Overwhelmed with weariness, all I can do is cry. I cry because I am a sinner. I cry because I don’t have the answers. I cry because this world is broken. I cry because I want to serve God with my life, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I cry because I don’t want to get it wrong. I cry because I don’t want to be prideful when I get it right.
The reality is, we are all a mess and we all need Jesus every second of every day. Some days will seem more desperate than others. It is on those days that we are reminded of just how fragile and insufficient we are to fight this battle in our own strength. I can’t tell you how many times I have just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and walk away– frustrated, disgusted, defeated. But then I remind myself of Jesus’ words, “Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm and endures to the end will be saved.” (Matthew 24:12,13). I remind myself that I fight this battle because it is a battle worth fighting.
I have cried out to God so many times, asking Him why He made me the way He did– a woman with the heart of a lion, with the resolve of a steel beam, with the determination of a mule. He made me in such a way that all I know how to do is fight and stand firm. Just like a vase was made to be a vase, or cup was made to be a cup, I only know how to do what I was made to do. The devil screams in my face that there is no place for such a woman in the church, he beats me over the head with scriptures that say a woman is to be silent and gentle (1 Cor 14:34; 1 Tim 2:11,12). I am not quiet, nor gentle, so I often find myself wondering where I belong. The devil knows our weaknesses, so he sweetly whispers in my ear, “You don’t belong anywhere.”
I may not know my end-game purpose and I may still be figuring out my place, but the one thing I do know is that the devil is a liar. I also know that God is perfect in mercy and perfect in love and I cannot base my relationship with Him on my feelings and misperceptions. God’s word says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4). The desires of my heart are to change lives, save souls and pierce people’s hearts with the truth of God’s word, and I believe that God will use me to do that, even if my only weapons are a box of Kleenex and a pile of snotty tissues.
Jesus never promised us that our commitment to follow Him would be easy. On the contrary, He warned us that the world would hate us (John 15:18; John 17:14; 1 John 3:13), that we would have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33), that our hearts would be troubled and to not succumb to fear (John 14:27), and that we would endure many hardships to enter the kingdom of heaven (Acts 14:22). But God has promised that we wouldn’t have to fight alone (Deut 31:8; John 14:16-18) and that we would be more than conquerors through our great, mighty and capable Savior Who loves us (Rom 8:37).
“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;” (Psalm 37:3-7)
“For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty and lift up your face to God. You will pray to Him, and He will hear you;” (Job 22:26,27)
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” (Psalm 55:22)
“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation.” (Psalm 68:19)
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. How vast is the sum of them!” (Psalm 139:17)